Quirky Surprises
by Senorita Sassybuns
Summary: Draco, with a little set-up prank help from George Weasley, surprises Harry with a welcome home present.
1. The Actual Story

**AN: random thought that was put into motion. Dedicated to VivaJuanita! You make my life. Everything you are about to read belongs to you know who, and I'm not talking about Volders either.**

Harry rolled over in bed. As he stirred awake, his auror senses perked up and he noted that the bed he had just rolled over in wasn't his big, squishy, wonderful bed. In fact, this bed was lumpy and he could swear there was a spring pushing into his coccyx. Harry rolled onto his side and took as much as a mental inventory he could without appearing to be awake. His body was obviously unscathed. The room he was in smelt of..._roses_?

The man's blood ran cold as his hand sailed right to his waist. Boxers. Check. Phew, bullet dodged. Then again, he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"This makes no sense," Harry thought to himself. "I didn't drink anything but Shirley Temples last night. I was the designated apparator!"

If the realization that Harry Potter is probably in the bed of whoever he had a one night stand with wasn't worthy of a heart attack, the sensation of someone licking his ankle was.

"AAARRRGGGHHHH!" Harry screamed as he leapt form the bed and grabbed the wand nearby, not caring if it was his or not. He had a stunner trained on the stranger, but froze before the spell left the wand tip. "Dog!" He said, looking into the sad, lonesome face of a chocolate lab puppy.

Harry lowered his wand and slumped back onto the bed. The dog instantly walked up to him and, while trampling on Harry's chest, began licking his face.

"Get off of me," Harry laughed. He always was a sucker for an adorable puppy and this puppy was nothing short of adorable.

Once Harry managed to push the bouncing puppy off of him, he set to work on familiarizing himself with his surroundings. There were candles, rose scented, scattered on the floor beside the bed. The candles had been lit and the bed was a mess. The sheets and blankets were twisted up and untucked.

"Well, that's reassuring." Harry ran a hand through his messy black hair. The more he took in, the worse the situation became. The 'bed' was more a mattress on a dingy looking floor.

He quickly relocated his robes and threw them on his body. After adjusting his glasses that were barley hanging on his face when he woke up, Harry located the door, and left. Suddenly, he found himself outside.

"I was in a shed. Can this morning get any worse?" Harry muttered. He looked down at the ground and found and empty coffee cup. Curious, he picked up the cup, expecting to feel the tug indication of a portkey, but felt nothing. It was just a cup.

The cup was in the middle of a path. Harry, having once been a fan of the Wizard of Oz, began to follow the path, hoping it would lead him to something ten times better than what he was leaving behind. And it was! Not far down the path was a pot of hot, freshly brewed, Peruvian coffee, Harry's favorite. He did not hesitate in pouting himself a generous cup, charming the pot to follow him for when he wanted more.

As Harry continued on down the path, he began to wonder what sort of trap he was walking into. So far, he had encountered delicious coffee, three sausage links, a plate of tomato slices with poached eggs on top, perfectly salted and peppered for taste, toast, half a grapefruit, and a small glass of orange juice. It was a delightful breakfast and Harry enjoyed every bite of it, but that still didn't dim the thought that there was something amiss.

When Harry had just polished off the last of his sausage when became aware of his surroundings once more. He was no longer on a path, but in the backyard of someone's house. A strange feeling told him that he had been in the yard this whole time and was only now stumbling upon the house of which the yard belongs to. Harry walked to the backdoor, looking down at himself to see if he was slightly presentable for the strangers that lived there.

The sun peeked out of the clouds in the sky and cast a ray of light over the porch and reflected across something glinting.

"My wedding ring!" Harry exclaimed. He picked up the gold ring and slipped it back onto his finger, where it should be. "Crap! You can't have one night stands while being married! That's bad. Muy muy malo! I'll deny everything. The dog did it."

Harry nodded in agreement with his own thoughts and moved toward the door to knock, but the thing opened on its own. He poked his head in, just to make sure he wasn't going to be jumped by anyone, or thing for that matter. Instead, he was met by the all too tempting smell of chocolate cake. The wonderful smell of dessert in the morning overpowered Harry's auror instincts and muggle school teachings of stanger danger and he crept into the quaint house and into the kitchen where all chocolate cakes live.

He poked around the cabinets, pantry and oven, but found no cake. Harry was rather put out. Things were starting to look up for him and now he couldn't find the ruddy chocolate cake!

"Looking for this?" A cool drawl said from the doorway. Harry looked up and saw his husband, Draco, leaning up against the door frame with the mouth watering chocolate cake in his hand. In the other hand was a knife.

"Draco!" Harry exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"It's simple, Harry, I live here," Draco said.

"What? No you don't. You live at our loft."

"Not anymore. I live here and so do you."

Harry looked around at the house and figures out what Draco was saying, "so this is our house?"

"You would be correct," Draco sauntered over to Harry and kissed him passionately.

"What was up with the shed?" Harry breathed when they broke apart.

"It was George's idea. I just went with it," the blonde shrugged and leaned in for another kiss.

"And the dog?" Harry inquired once more.

"What dog?" Draco's voice had an edge of annoyance. Harry shrugged and made a mental note to fetch the poor puppy later...when he was finished with Draco.

"Hey Draco," Harry said seductively.

"Way ahead of you," Draco mumbled, pulling Harry by his robes into some room with basic sitting room furniture.

"When was the last time we Ace of Based?"

Draco shot up from the spot he was working on on Harry's neck, "come again/"

"When was the last time we Ace of Based?" Harry repeated with a broad grin on his face.

"Um, uh, our wedding I suppose. Why?" Draco was baffled. Draco didn't like being baffled and had a good mind into taking the chocolate cake he left in the hall and smashing it in Harry's face.

Harry merely smiled and slipped out from underneath Draco and over to the stereo that was a wedding present from Hermione and Ron. He slipped his favorite Ace of Base CD into the slot and scrolled to the song he wanted and hit play. As the music filled the house, Harry took draco in his arms and danced with him to "It's a Beautiful Life." There really was no place like home.

**AN: that's my story! Let me know what you think by leaving a review!**


	2. Zombies!

Ch 2.

**AN: this was a one shot but I forgot to put it as complete so someone subscribed to it. I would say their name but I erased the email with it and am too lazy to look it up. So this is meeting your request, lone subscriber that didn't notice the conclusive paragraph. Written to the tune of "I'm on a Boat" by the Lonely Island.**

Draco zoomed into the kitchen where Harry was munching on that chocolate cake he had his eyes on all night. He just pretended to be paying attention to what Draco was doing. All that his peanut sized brain could think of was cake. He even had a dream about cake. He lived in a cake house with a cake dog, cake children, cake furniture, he even had a cake Draco. He was quite delicious. He was made of German chocolate cake with a tall glass of milk, 2% of course.

However, Harry's cake fantasies, currentlybeing satisfied through the consumption of, can you guess, cake, was completely besides the point. The point was that Draco zoomed into the kitchen on his roller skates. Draco was involved with Knocturn Alley's roller derby team, the Black Lights. They wore sparkly white outfits that had a black light show murderous images.; the light was attached to the helmets of the team members and struck fear in the eyes of any competitor.

Wizard's roller derby was similar to muggle's roller derby, but instead of elbowing and shoving people, they hex them where they stand. Draco was the star of the team and Harry was very proud of him. Harry himself used to be on the Weasley's roller derby team that he and Ron put together, but he quit after hexing Draco one match. It was like fate. As Draco's face smashed into the ground of the rink, with blood spurting everywhere, Harry knew he could never be with any other man.

"How do I look?" Draco asked, turning a perfect 360 that made Harry want to face plant and fall in love with him all over again.

"Perfect!"

"Wish me luck, you will be there won't you?" Draco pushed his lips to Harry's, not wanting to wait for a reply and then after about ten minutes of passion, rolled out the door.

Harry was left wishing Draco would come back inside and rock his world again. He almost got his wish when he heard Draco scream outside. Almost.

Harry, having never resisted a cry for help, dashed outside. Draco was on the sidewalk, gaping at the sky. Harry was about to shout at the man for scaring him when he followed his husband's eyes.

It was so hard to miss, Harry had to kick himself for not noticing it as soon as he went outside. The sky was a rusty orange color and littered with little ships in the sky. Laser beams flashed across the morning sky and people were running around the streets frantically, trying to escape. The lasers weren't killing anyone. In fact, they were teleports. Emitting from the teleports were aliens; zombie unicorn aliens to be precise.

All Draco could do was stop and stare, but Harry was leaping into action. He grabbed Draco and pulled the two of them inside the house just in time to dodge being impaled by a unicorn. Harry sailed down the hall to the sitting room where he threw back a rug, revealing a rug.

"What?" Draco mouthed, looking at Harry questioningly.

"I had prepped this house to withstand a zombie Apocalypse, but unicorn zombies from space will do just fine," Harry explained, opening the hatch and revealing a safe room filled to the brim with muggle weaponry and other survival supplies. Harry hopped into the sanctuary and started loading his body with ammunition.

"So, we're going to hide here, right?" Draco asked timidly, crawling into the hatch. He received his answer when Harry tossed him an AK47 and some magazines. The two men suited up and marched outside. The unicorns, using their vesty pantsuits, took the town with ease.

"Looks like our work is cut out for us," Draco said darkly.

"It would appear so," Harry grabbed a grenade and, biting off the pick, launched at herd of unicorns that were feasting on what looked to be Hermione. Harry noticed she was still alive, but when the bomb went off, he figured she was certainly dead now.

Fighting side by side, the Malfoy-Potters planted a lead farm into the bones of the zombie unicorns. However, Draco fell short of ammo and his gun became a battering ram. He called to Harry to borrow some heat he was sure the man was packing, but as he looked over his shoulder to see the man being surrounded by a herd of 45 zombie unicorns. They were closing in on him and he had one more grenade left.

Harry's eyes met that of his lover's and with a telepathic 'I love you,' he pulled the pick, sending himself and 45 zombie unicorns from space to hell on a bony thestral.

Draco turned back to the unicorns he now faced, "I have no ammo, I have no honor," he declared. He waited for the unicorns to destroy him as they did so many people, but the unicorns encircled him in what looked to be respect. They bowed their heads before the blonde.

"We would be honored, Draco Malfoy, if you would rule our planet," one of the unicorns said solemnly.

After 30 seconds of contemplation, Draco agreed, "alright, but I want my husband back."

"Very well," the alien agreed. "Would you like his children too?"

"No! Why would I want his kids when we can just make our own?" Draco scoffed.

"Good because we ate two of them already," a different zombie unicorn pipped up. Draco smiled and allowed the laser to zap him onto the ship and flew away to the unicorns' planet.

As for the rest of Earth, all the delicious tasting people were eaten while the nasty tasting people were placed on a ship and left to drift throughout the universe. Eventually, the people landed on a planet that looked vacant, so they took over it and called it Boxiclustertosisix.

**THE END!**

**AN: crack ending/chapter. There are some references made in this story that you can understand by utilizing the device that is burning holes in your sockets and shortening your attention span (it's called the internet). The unicorns talking about Harry's children is a reference to the James S P/OC trilogy: Getting the Question out/ Solving the Problem/ Settling a deal**. **The Boxiclustertosisix planet is reference to Outside the Box, a James P/ Lily Evans P story. The unicorns were for VivaJuanita. Make sure to leave a review!**


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